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[20 Jul 2008|05:51pm] |
dear everyone,
i don't update anymore. i only use this username for communities.
however, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) herphotolife is my new photo journal.
please go & add that if you want to see photos i take & how my life looks life through a lens, but i won't be doing text posts.
the friends only entry is here.
in 7 days, i am deleting all my friends.
bye!
<3
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[31 May 2008|02:28pm] |
beautiful things. inspiration. art. photos. diary entries. ramblings. thoughts. day dreams. schedules. worries. advice. support. romantics. realists. discussions. stories. memories. travel. friends. family.
shy distress is an email group which was founded in 2004. since then, we have had both girls and boys, women and men, leave us and join. right now, we are looking for more people. we want people that are going to bring warmth and friendship into shy distress. we want people who will respect what we have to give. we want people who will talk a lot, send a lot of email, and bring more activeness between us. a lot of us are busy right now so the email amount is sucking and the number of us is falling. please join us!
( more information )
=] let me know what you think, ask any questions/comments, tell me your thoughts. if you think you would like to join, email me: vampire.treats@gmail.com & we will talk. :] please tell me about yourself, what you can offer, what you expect, etc. we are looking for people who will talk about their lives, share photos, share friendship, bring love and care. we have that to offer in return. :]
<3
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[21 Apr 2008|12:41pm] |
i'm sat in the library at the moment, looking at my email through a big ugly computer screen. it's not flat screen and it's giving me headache. there's only a few inches, maybe 30, between me & the next computer. my notes are everywhere. my coat is scattered on the floor under the desk, along with my scarf, my book and my bag.
when i was walking through the corridor through the two buildings than join one to the library building, i was thinking of sentences to construct for you. but i didn't come up with many. they come in and flow out as quickly as the flutter of butterfly wings, i can't quite catch them but i see them before my eyes. i'm wearing plain, black, ultra thin insoled flats and when i walk my little feet across the shiny corridor floor, i feel bare footed. i feel like the whole world is before my feet, i feel light and feathery like i could jump straight out the window next to me, without it shattering, without it hurting me, without pain.
i've seen two people, and touched two people, while i've been here. i've seem james, my big man, my little boy, my deep friend. he smells so nice and when we hug, he is so cuddly. i jump, with shock, when people come behind me and touch me or say "boo!" because i always pretend i don't know they're there. the truth is, i always know who is coming up behind me, but i am afraid and worried how to react to their greeting. so instead, i refuse to find a way, i lie to myself and pretend i didn't see them coming. it makes them laugh every time and no one ever guesses i was fooling them. i am such a fool.
a simple hand, softly on my shoulder, to let me know someone saw me. someone who wants me to know they care. it was the canadian guy. as my finger tips are pounding on these keys i can hear his accent and it's wonderful. if i close my eyes, i'm in canada. he sounds old, yet young, and innocent, yet english, all at the same time. i asked him he has bears and mountains in his back garden back at home and i wondered if that made me sound ignorant. but i don't care, because i'm nice, and he liked me.
my eye lashes feel hard and crusty against my finger tips when i stroke them softly. 4 wipes of mascara, cheap mascara that means nothing, clings to my lashes in the aid to make me look pretty. my eyes startle me when i look at them in return through the mirror, they look pretty, not my eyes. i look foreign to myself, my reflection looks like someone i would be best friends with. i don't feel like i fit this face. i dress in bold colours, in pretty clothes and weird clothes and my hair is bold. most people look at me, fellow students through the corridors glance at me, i don't know what they are thinking but i can guess i'm just another normal girl. my hat feels snug against my hair, hiding my bed head, hiding my odd hair, hiding the hair that makes gives me my identity. i don't feel as brave if i hide my hair. my hair makes me feel i am attracting all the attention when i walk into the library, because 80% of people are wondering why i did such a thing, and the other 20% are wondering how the hell someone like me can pull it off. without my hair out, i feel normal.
my stomach grumbles and i feel 10 pounds lighter. i read my book in my english literature class because i finished my essay early. as i was reading, my stomach was getting in the way. it feels heavy and big against my clothes, it feels pregnant and bloated like extra pounds that shouldn't be there. i hide my rolls well, i'm not self-concious today because if i look at my stomach through the mirror, my tummy looks flat, as if i have always been a skinny girl with nice legs.
the clocks big finger is nearly at the 8. i have 10 long, quick minutes until my legs carry me, quickly and shortly, to the bus stop across the road. i'll burry my head back into the pages when i'm sat down with my bum painfully on the seat. it's comfortable for a short while, then the bones that i carry on the surface on the cheeks, start crying with pain. i have no padding on my bum, it's all on my stomach. if i could transfer some, that would ease the pain.
i'm so short. as i was following the Late Girl along the road, in to college, she was 5 inches or so taller than me and she took the same strides as me as the same minute, but she got further. i walk quickly with tiny strides, i feel like a short, fat oompa-lumpa. it annoys me because i have to walk so fast, with little steps that my legs can only manage, to get at the same speed as everyone else. perhaps i should open my legs further and take longer strides, but that feels uncomfortable.
my tights are hugging my legs and they feel comfortable, the kind of comfortable that you get when my mum used to feed my cough medicine as a child. it trickles down the throat, into the warm childish belly, and burns for a little while. i like cough medicine, it makes me feel young all over again. i feel innocent, it makes me feel like i could take advantage of my mum all over again and she could nurse me for ever so i don't need to look after myself. but i open my eyes, and i'm 16 and independent again, the cough medicine has changed and i have to feed it myself. it's not the same, i strive for care, the care that will make me feel like a baby all over again. i may look after myself because i have to, because i'm old enough, but inside i crave to be treat like a child. it feels homely against my skin.
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[17 Apr 2008|03:47pm] |
so i have 3 open days planned;
london metropolitan university [http://www.londonmet.ac.uk/] - tuesday 17th june.
brunel university [http://www.brunel.ac.uk/] - friday 20th june
london southbank university [http://www.lsbu.ac.uk/] - saturday 21st june
the brunel & southbank is really handy, because that means i can stay over in a hotel with carl friday, so i can see both of them, saving a train fair. but the london metro, on the 17th, means i have to pay to go down there (£50) just for the day, then come back, then pay to go again 20th. it's just a farce that they're not together. but ah well.
it's so exciting. i really, really wanted to go to brunel because it's a campus, the only campus in london ( the others are city-based ) which i really, really want. but the campus? it's sooo ugly. i've seen photos, talked to this girl i met on LJ who goes to brunel & she said "it's hideous". my favourite LOOK is southbank, it's in harrow<3 and the buildings are gorgeous, but it's city-based. city-based also means more money to get around.
oh, and i'm going to be in so much debt. love it.
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[11 Apr 2008|08:56pm] |
i'm bored. really.
what do you do on LJ?
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[10 Apr 2008|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
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this morning my mums social worker came around and we talked about help/my mums illness'/my soon-to-be-born brother. it went good and i love talking to people, i love interview-type things, even though i'm shy. it makes me feel good.
then i came to carls. i'm on my period. i feel so terrible. headache. drained. =[
i've lost weight. i'm on a little diet. i looked on the NHS BMI website and it said i can be 7 stone and 5lbs and still be healthy, with a BMI of 19.5 which is still healthy. because i'm so small. i don't want to be a size 6, ( the smallest size ) but i just want to be thinner. so i've been eating a lot less recently, i don't snack at all and i'm really not hungry as much as i used to be.
i dunno if i can even go to asda later. my head hurts so much. i think i might go to the doctors. i get TERRIBLE headaches when i'm on my period. AGGGGGH.
college tomorrow. english language & media studies. <3 i don't think mark [english teacher] will be there, he hasn't all week.
HEADACHHHEEEEEE.
=[
thinking about my gap year a little more. =] it's exciting.
i wish my tablets would kill my headache like they suppose too.
i think i'll have soup for my tea.
or eggy bread? i'm addicted to eggy bread.
off to watch deal or no deal on the sofa.
<3
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| LOCKED. |
[10 Apr 2008|03:09pm] |
FRIENDS ONLY. STARTING OVER.
90% friends only, 10% public.
photos, secrets, personals = friends only.
ramblings, questions, other things = public.
i've been away for a long time, doing things, not doing things.
now i want to start again, with new friends, old friends, everything inbetween.
my life is hectic, stressful, happy. i'll tell secrets, share photos, vocabularly.
you might not agree with a lot of things i do, and tell me wrong.
i am generally happy.
if you are going to do that, please don't add me.
tell me who you are. show me something you like.
<3 & be happy. always.
( <3 )
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[14 Jan 2008|11:45pm] |
life is sooo busy.
college, social life & amazing boyfriend with time to STILL update is difficult :(
i feel bad for neglecting my livejournal but ahhh.
i tell you one thing though... i am so happy, it's quite amazing.
i have all i want in life right now.
expect A's in everything at college :P
got amazing friends, amazing boyfriend, amazing mum...
oh & ive got a bad water infection & im ill but oh well :]
be back soon <3
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